The pan-global corporation Google has
expressed displeasure at the private use of military grade surveillance drones in a statement released early Thursday, after
aerial surveillance of Google's secret antarctic base by the
resistance group GASP revealed what is essentially a warzone on the
frozen continent. Images captured by aerial drones are showing a mass
of thousands of green humanoid beings on an Antarctic peninsula
jutting out in the direction of South America, with a clearly drawn
line leading back to the now destroyed secret Google base where the
cloning arm of their market research department was located.
International Business expert Ovaltine Goose-Shredder says it makes
perfect sense for Google to object to the privatization of
surveillance drones. “You wouldn't want anyone cutting in on Street View's territory, right? And maybe now [Google] will realize it's a
little weird to record every inch of the public domain.”
Vowing to ignore Google's calls to
cease using private surveillance drones, resistance leader Axel
Hjalmar also claimed responsibility for the destruction of Google's
secret Antarctic base and the humanesque army amassing on the edge of
the continent. Speaking via satellite uplink early Thursday, Hjalmar
said that “Over one year ago, GASP infiltrated Google's DNA
database by uploading code for creating heavily armed and heavily
armoured biometric cyborgs with aggressively luddistic tendencies
through Google's blood sugar testing app. It was our goal to have
Google create the means of their own destruction through their
cloning facility, and GASP has succeeded.”
Having given his explanation of what
GASP had done, Hjalmar was then notified that barely anyone had a
clue what he was talking about. He attempted to elaborate, saying
“Luddistic means a sadistic luddite. It is apt, as the biometric
cyborgs gain immense pleasure from smashing technology. It is a word
unique to the GASP vernacular, but given our commitment to free and
democratic principles, feel free to use it whenever you like.”
Hjalmar then revealed that destroying all technology was the ultimate
goal of GASP, a goal so obvious experts wondered why they ever tried
to hide their aims in the first place. In their view, the destruction
of technology must be complete because “Google reaches every
technological platform in the world, and thus every technological
platform must cease to operate. This is the programmed aim of the
biometric cyborgs, to destroy all computer technology on Earth.”
When asked if he thought it was ironic to announce the total
destruction of technology through technology, Hjalmar concurred. “For
the time being computer technology is an effective means of
communication. Soon it will not be, and a new means of human
relations will exist, one not facilitated or thrust upon by myopic
corporate entities.” Despite agreeing that it was hypocritical to
be using technology to further his goals, Hjalmar claimed it was not
ironic, because as he put it, “irony exists only on rainy wedding days. On this basis, I believe it is a regional concept that is not
currently in effect on the east coast.”
Soon after GASP's satellite uplink
fizzled out, Google released another statement, and the head of
Google Media Relations was made available for a press conference for
the first time in over a year. He began by stating that the
destruction of the antarctic base is not a setback for Google, as the
Cloning for Marketing Research Trial was already an utter failure in
almost every sense it could have been. “It was a public relations
disaster, and it did not gain Google one iota of data concerning
consumers.” he said. When asked if any lessons have been gleaned
from the experiment, with those in attendance hoping that some sort
of 'don't play god' moral had been learned by the enormous
corporation, the Google media representative took to the sunny side
of the street. “It did give us some really interesting insight into
how humanity behaves in a state of nature, in a grocery store.” The
Google representative explained that cloned subjects had the DNA of a
human, but that does not necessarily make them behave like a human,
and especially not like the human they are modelled after, as the
ways we behave and the products we choose are all learned from the
world, and therefore not encoded in DNA. “[The DNA thing]
immediately imploded our initial hypothesis of finding out what
colour pizza box specific people prefer. After that, the experiment
became an exercise in how quickly feral humans could destroy a
grocery store, and that was a fascinating enough premise for us to
continue our cloning endeavours.”
Based on the findings of their
experiments, Google has determined several interesting facts about
humanity's base tendencies, as displayed by feral humans in a grocery
store. “Well, the fresh fruits and vegetables were devoured first,
the meats not quite as fast, probably because they didn't figure out
how to cook it. Apparently it takes a sample size larger than two
thousand to have someone capable of discovering the usefulness of
fire. Uhhh, cereal boxes are the preferred nesting material, and many
cereals are not even regarded as food, particularly ones that are
brightly coloured.” This was bad news for Fruit Loops.
Resident expert on Proto-Human Studies
Ovaltine Goose-Shredder was ecstatic about the existence of the
biometric cyborgs. “That's amazing! Bravo to GASP for pulling off
something I've only been thinking about for years! Biometric
robocops, right? Pretty much?” Goose-Shredder was not without some
backhanded praise for Google as well. “Congrats to Google for
running the 'baby raised in a box' experiment that has been outlawed
everywhere with a conscience. Really, just pushing beyond all
accepted lines of morality and fucking people up for the hell of it.
That's some grade A science right there.” Asked for a theory as to
why the biometric robocops are amassing on the Antarctic peninsula
closest to South America, Goose-Shredder terrified everyone. “Isn't
it obvious? They're coming to get us!”
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