Canadian Government Tells Science to Shut Up

The Canadian Government, currently led by Stephen Harper and the Conservative Party of Canada, has been accused of “muzzling” scientists who conduct studies for the federal government, which could violate the Access to Information Act of 1983. Local Outragee Sandra registered her outrage loudest and first. “We can't have our scientists running around biting people! It's a public health issue, not an information one! Tell poindexter to mask up or ship out!” Running off in a huff, Sandra never did give a non-literal translation of the headline, and shows a valuable lesson in the dangers of the media favouring hyperbole over accuracy.

Local science expert Ovaltine Goose-Shredder was also quick to defend the government's policy of shutting up scientists. “The world is too big, there is just too much information, to not just pick the facts that will back up your per-determined opinions.” he said early Thursday. Goose-Shredder then used his authority as a scientist to back up his view, explaining that “[being selective about facts] is an evolutionary stage on the way to humans becoming pure beams of light. We're ditching the desire to discriminate between things and increasing the efficiency of our minds by just jumping to our conclusions and cherry-picking the facts that back them up later. It will lead us to a higher plane of existence, and 68% of those surveyed agree.”

With accusations of scientists cowering at the insistence of Canada's government, Goose-Shredder was immediately accused of bending his findings at the insistence of unknown outside actors. Resident expert on Dodgy Scientific Practices, Ovaltine Goose-Shredder, was quick to distance himself from any wrongdoing. “I'm not on the federal payroll, and this Betty character doesn't pay me either. He just follows me around with a recorder, and I appreciate it.” he responded. Because Goose-Shredders findings tend to be overwhelmingly impractical and unpopular, he feels any accusations of improper science are way off base. “The bright side of not being paid is that you can trust my findings are 100% free of outside bias of any kind, besides my own biases that come from being a person and stuff.”

When asked where he gets the money he needs to live, if his science doesn't make bank, Goose-Shredder was slow to answer. “Uhhh, I invented trees, and that's pretty lucrative.” he said. If this is true, it would mean Goose-Shredder gets royalties on every piece of lumber sold, leading many to believe it an unlikely source of income, since royalties on lumber don't exist. “I mean, there's other things that I make money off of, like if I were allowed to monetize my re-animating corpses technique, that would make a lot of money.” Goose-Shredder's appeal to licence his corpse re-animation technique was recently rejected by the Canadian Government on grounds that orchestrating a bidding war to have a loved one brought back is a predatory business practice that a citizenry should never be subjected to. It took him a while to find a satisfactory answer, “Oh, every now and then I'll get a few dollars in royalties from my bestselling self-help book, How the Genius Solved Christmas, which exists. That's where I get my money.”

Outside the Coveant Garden Market, Citizen Danny registered some sarcastic displeasure at the news, saying “I'm really glad to hear Canada's Government is too lazy to consider inconvenient facts. It's not like we're expecting them to do well at all, and it bodes well for our future as a country,” He concluded by turning rabid on the government, as people who speak on street corners tend to do. “I never really understood the harm in ideology until I watched [the Canadian government] blatantly defaulting to their opinion instead of trying to figure out what the right answer is. I mean, they're telling scientists to shut up because it could be inconvenient for them. That's a gutless move, and if you can't face down real consequences you shouldn't be running a country.” he said, adding, “Yeah, put that in your pipe and smoke it, government. I just gave you like, smack tobacco, or something else you smoke that insults you.”