The People's Democratic Republic of
North Korea has unveiled what they are calling a Super Ultimate
Basketball Player in what experts say is a bid to score at least one win over America. Basketball was chosen as the area to excel in over
other fields like technology or literature because of their leader's
longstanding love affair with the game and the perceived ease of
making a layup vs inventing an iPhone. The prototype basketball
player was unveiled in front of a crowd of millions at a military
parade Thursday by dictator for life Kim Jong Un and immediately
declared by state run media outlets to be the best thing ever. The
amassed millions were then goaded into a chant of “This is
seriously the best thing ever” by Jong Un, with one citizen near
the cage that held the Western journalists being overheard saying “I
am honoured to have this [super ultimate basketball player] instead
of food.”
Despite the glowing endorsement from
people with a gun to their back, North Korea's basketball playing
cyborg has failed to impress North America's expert in the field of
Proto-Human Studies, Ovaltine Goose Shredder, who has been an especially spiteful
critic of the new cyborg prototype since it's unveiling. “Oh, so
you just have to put a golfer's range finder over the eye and give
the dude a calculator and you've got a fucking cyborg? Is that the
standard now?” he said late Thursday. In a description that would
border on cruelty if it weren't so accurate, the cyborg is described
by Goose-Shredder as “a 5'6” Charles Barkley that has been
repeatedly struck in the face with a 2x4.” Goose-Shredder was quick
to qualify his assessment, saying “I love Charles Barkley, and I
would never want him to be hit by a piece of wood, but that's the
only way to describe what I'm looking at. They didn't do a good job
putting [the cyborg] together at all.” Goose-Shredder's assessment
has prompted fears that the unidentified man who underwent all the
body modifications to become the best thing that will ever play
basketball may have been injured in the process, and brought new
criticisms from human rights groups over the regime's treatment of their citizens. Goose-Shredder has been especially critical of the
country's behaviour since unveiling the prototype, saying “One
quarter-assed attempt at putting together a cyborg and Kim Jong Un
starts strutting around like he's the new royalty of the mad science
community. Fucking Dictators ruin everything.”
So far the regime has yet to actually
demonstrate the basketball prowess of their cyborg, but promises that
seeing it in action “will shatter everything North America knows
about living on Earth.” Analysts are skeptical about it's
abilities, as the thought of someone building a basketball cyborg and
then not having a hoop around to see what it can do is too large an
oversight to have been overseen, even amongst the colossal fuck ups
of the North Korean regime. “The thing can't dunk, I'm calling that
right now.” Goose-Shredder said. “Bjork is like four feet tall,
right? Like pixie size? I would put money on Bjork to take the thing
1 on 1, even in one of her crazy dresses. Race to 11 and Bjork wins.”
Despite his confident assurances, gambling experts disagree with
Goose-Shredder's odds assessment because Vladimir Putin has yet to fight a wolf.
With all the media bluster the cyborg
basketball player has caused, the threats of war North Korea has been
making in recent weeks have been mostly swept aside. Goose-Shredder
had a stray sentence that addressed the issue. “If we give them
wheat, they'll shut up for a while and stop building nukes. They make
threats, we give them food, they shut up until the food is gone.
That's how our relationship with North Korea has been working for a
while, so what we're seeing right now is nothing new and nothing to be worried about. ”
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