The Maritime provinces have seen a
recent string of vandalism in coastal cities, as many public art
installations created by the Firestone acolytes have been found
spray-painted or otherwise disrupted after a call from GASP leader
Axel Hjalmar to “Culture Jamm” the propaganda campaign that the
Preacher Firestone asked his acolytes to begin weeks earlier,
creating the first real confrontation in what has been a long war of words between the two groups. So far the war has mostly come in the
form of chrome cubes being spray-painted with a foot smashing a
tablet surrounded by green lightning bolts, but some observers fear
that because the two groups have already escalated from a war of
words to a war of symbols, violence can't be far off. With a
following of millions, the Preacher Firestone has the human resources
to mount a massive front in any battle, which makes his potential
power a terrifying prospect. On the other side, experts have a happy
theory that Axel Hjalmar is the sole perpetrator of the GASP Jamm
Campaign, so a catastrophic confrontation wouldn't be much of a war.
Looking at the evidence in GASP's
attacks, Forensic New Media expert Ovaltine Goose-Shredder says
Hjalmar couldn't have the followers to pose a resistance to
Firestone, so a violent confrontation is out of the question. “If
you look at the order all these chromed cubes got sprayed, and a
forensic analysis of the colours used, the chromed cubes are being
targeted by a single person.” Goose-Shredder says. Hjalmar's last
known location was Halifax, Nova Scotia, and he is known to use boats
as a base of operations because the ocean is the only place
Street-View can't touch. Geographically, the vandalism is consistent
with one person travelling in a fairly straightforward direction from
Prince Edward Island to Nova Scotia to New Brunswick by boat, and the
colours can be traced from one cube to another as well. “You can
see the spots where one can of paint ran out and another was opened,”
Goose-Shredder explains, “On a later cube you can see where that
can ran out, and another colour started. You can trace it across
provinces. It's sequential, methodical, and it fits with Hjalmar's
last known location.”
Other acts against the Firestone
acolyte campaign also bear Hjalmar's personal touch of tediously
explaining simple concepts into the ground. A theatre performance in
St. John, New Brunswick that consisted of Firestone acolytes running
back and forth and being really happy about being here to do that was
disrupted when a flock of folding tables was placed in the public
park where their performances took place, impeding the acolyte's
ability to run. Spray-painted on the tables was a message that only
Hjalmar could have wrote, “GASP was here and now you cannot run.
Well, you can run, but you will hit a table. It is now your choice to
do so or to not do so, I would recommend not doing so. Also, give up
imitating electrons, because you are humans and allowing synecdoche
to define you is a first step towards being supplanted. Submission
before the Google is the last.”
In other news, the biometric robocops
have escalated their spree of boat hijackings around South America,
with several gaggles of bio-robos making landfall up and down the
coast and commandeering boats to take to Antarctica. A high ranking
member of the Argentinian Navy believes there to be at least 30
stolen vessels being used by the bio-robos, and that the fleet is
growing exponentially. Asked why the Argentinian Navy doesn't just
fire on the stolen vessels, the source admitted that the bio-robos
are difficult to track because they use the sun, the moon and the
stars to navigate, so they tend to flit like a moth across the ocean.
The fishing industry around South America is also taking a beating,
with many fishermen losing their lively-hood to hijackings, but the
kick in the groin to the fishing industry has been a cause for
celebration amongst Marine Biologists, who believe South America's
coastal fish population could begin to recover as boats disappear
from the waters. This, along with being a carbon sink and giving a 2%
boost to the Earth's oxygen levels, is making the biometric robocop
horde popular amongst environmentalists, who claim they have yet to
see a drawback to having the horde on the planet. And if they destroy all the smart-phones, so much the better.
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