London Ontario Wants Rob Ford for Mayor

A group of citizens in London, Ontario calling themselves Non-Judgemental London have extended an invitation to scandalized Toronto mayor Rob Ford to be mayor of London, as current London mayor Joe Fontata will probably step down or go to prison soon. The group of citizens, who published their plea in a full page letter in the Toronto Star, say they would rather have a mayor that smoked crack and said stupid things than a mayor who stole from them and said stupid things. “It would be nice to have a mayor that only hurt himself,” the ad says. “Just claim you didn't inhale and we'll buy it, so come on over to friendly, Non-Judgemental London!”

Legal experts say that one thing friendly, Non-Judgemental London seems to be missing is that two of the people connected with the crack smoking video have been murdered since it's creation, which coupled with Ford's alleged attempt to pay a hacker $220 000 to delete the video, could potentially mean an evidence eradication attempt by Ford that had him deleting eyewitnesses to him hitting the pipe. While selling drugs is not a safe way to make money, the situation still raises speculation that Rob Ford took out contracts on human lives, a trait one does not usually want in a mayor. Another massive pitfall overlooked by Non-Judgemental London is that if you're 44 years old and still getting drunk enough to smoke crack, maybe smoking crack isn't your biggest problem. But let's go back to laughing at this again. All the murder and addiction talk is harshing the world's punchlines.

After the publishing of the open invitation for Rob Ford to run for mayor of London, local politics expert Ovaltine Goose-Shredder jumped on board with the idea, and was ecstatic about the potential for a real democratic revolution in local government. “Crack smokers are a statistically underrepresented demographic in municipal politics,” Goose-Shredder said in a press conference late Thursday, “they have different experiences than the rest of us norms, and could provide a valuable point of view on municipal issues.” Specifically, Goose-Shredder believes that with someone experienced in drug use guiding policy, London might actually have a hope of setting up Canada's second safer injection site. “It's odd that people would be against this measure, there are a lot of benefits for the community,” he said. According to scientists, benefits include a reduction in overdose deaths, addicts being around treatment literature immediately after dosing for the only minutes of clear thinking they'll get all day, and a reduction in the number of used needles found on front lawns and in parks. Local Outragee Sandra summed up people's opposition to safe injection sites, screeching “Drugs and crime go hand in hand, and I won't have it in my neighbourhood!” Ovaltine Goose-Shredder has an outrageously simply solution. “Put the safe injection site at Wellington and Horton. No one will notice a difference. Not that it would cause an increase in crime anyway, because the stats say it won't.”

On top of the progressive policy decisions a crack smoking mayor could bring about, Goose-Shredder also believes there could be fringe benefits for the city. “While other cities mayors are sleeping like mortals, a crack smoking mayor could stay up for 4 days scrubbing the gremlins out of the reservoir. Just think, our city would have the cleanest drinking water in the country, and this is just one potential fringe benefit. Who knows what else that crack addled brain could come up with. The sky is the limit people. It's time for some real radical democracy! It's time to jump on the Ford express!”