The Winter Finale: Argentina Admits Failure to Combat Bio-Robo Horde

The President of Argentina has announced that the Argentine military has failed to find an effective means of combating the Biometric Robocop horde, and is telling citizens to brace for a pandemic of technology destroying plant-organisms to overrun the country. In a statement made early Thursday, President Cristina Fernandez de Krichner confirmed reports that conventional weapons have been completely ineffective against the bio-robo horde, and that less orthodox weapons like chainsaws and hedge trimmers are bringing soldiers into close-combat situations they cannot possibly win. “The bio-robo organism is proving to be amazingly resilient,” resident militant-botany expert Ovaltine Goose-Shredder said Thursday. Goose-Shredder, who has been in close contact with colleagues in South America since the invasion began, says the bio-robos are both faster and stronger than a human and incredibly difficult to fight. “You're pretty much getting into a fistfight with a tree,” he says, “so if you actually land a punch, your hand breaks.” Goose-Shredder can confirm that chemical weapons have been deployed by Argentine authorities, but also with no effect. “They doused [the bio-robos] in Round-Up, but their bark seems impervious to liquid transfer, which is bad news for us poisoning them.” Goose-Shredder says that after throwing the electronics into a lake, the bio-robos have been observed dipping a finger into the water for a few minutes before running off for more destruction, leading him to theorize that the biometric robocops dispose of electronics in lakes so they have to drink at regular intervals instead of running themselves to death like other intensely driven organisms. “[The bio-robos] are in control of when they absorb liquids. I really have to take my hat off to [Axel Hjalmar]. He's put together a tough creature here.”

On the prospect of using guns against the bio-robo horde, Goose-Shredder says that even in humanity's cavernous arsenal, nothing has even slowed them down. “A bullet will make a dent in them, but using a gun against [a bio-robo] is about as effective as shooting a tree can be,” he explains. For readers who have never attempted this before, shooting a tree is a useless means of killing it. Goose-Shredder explains that plants don't have organs like we do, so the whole organism is a porous circulatory system that flows around any damage created by a gunshot wound. Goosie speculates that the only way killing a bio-robo with a gun could work is if copper bullets are used, but that would require months of waiting for the copper poisoning to take effect. Beyond that, copper is too soft a metal to have any penetrating power, so it's not very likely that copper bullets will work at all. This essentially exhausts all possible ways a military force can combat the bio-robo horde, with explosives already being ruled out as an unacceptable risk due to collateral damage, and flamethrowers not being an option because no one wants flaming plants running through the streets and setting their city on fire.

A Google executive was asked to comment on how the company will react to a gaggle of seemingly invincible biometric robocops racing up South America to destroy everything they've built, but offered no comment.

In local news, early Thursday morning the Preacher Firestone's almost two year “everyone join the All that is Google” sermon began to pick up pace from what was already considered an auctioneers cadence until around 5am, when any separation of his words ceased and he began to breathlessly run every syllable the human voice is capable of producing into a cycling mantra. Locals held their breath, not literally, because this went on for hours, expecting this apparent breakdown in his speech pattern to be a sign of an imminent cessation of his sermon, something all of Canada really wanted to see when they were betting on it's eventuality over one year ago. Local linguistic expert Ovaltine Goose-Shredder summed up the citizenry's feeling. “Is he breaking? Is this the end of Firestone?” he was able to ask before getting lost in the mantra for half an hour, after which Goose-Shredder blinked, shook his head and said, “I think that guy unhinged my brain. What he's doing is like Pi underpinning every circle in the universe, but he's hit the under-felt of language.” Firestone's breathless mantra continued until about 6pm local time, at which point he clearly spoke the words “Miracle Grow” and began walking out of the alley, turning south onto Richmond street. No one had the winning lottery ticket for Dec 12, 6:14pm.

Bio-Robo Invasion of South America Begins

The horde of biometric robocops spawned out of the hijacked Google cloning base on Antarctica began spilling out of boats up the coasts of Argentina and Chile early Thursday morning in what many are calling a proper invasion of epic proportions. The broccoli headed plant organisms that run off photosynthesis were created through a DNA sequence put together by the resistance group GASP, who programmed the biometric robocops to replicate themselves after seizing control of the Google run cloning facility. Aerial surveillance of Antarctica has shown that while the invading force leaving has created a sizable hole in the number of bio-robos, the total number left on the continent is still estimated at around 2 million. Always quick to find a silver lining to put a panicking public at ease, Botany expert Ovaltine Goose-Shredder says surveillance shows that the biometric robocops have stopped their round-the-clock replication of themselves, so their numbers are no longer growing. What makes Goose-Shredder certain that no new bio-robos will be made is that the horde is mobile now, so the two million left on Antarctica will only concentrate on invading inhabited areas and make landfall as quickly as possible, causing experts to note that people who rely on facts for everything should never try to reassure anyone.

Upon hearing what he believed to be misinformation being distributed through the press, GASP leader Axel Hjalmar used a pirate TV signal to tell the world that the biometric robocop horde would never stop replicating themselves willingly, as numbers are the most important part of winning the war against technology. Hjalmar says that the bio-robos could only have stopped cloning themselves because of “a failure of the Google [cloning] apparatus,” and that it's a shame that the bio-robos are no longer multiplying because their use of photosynthesis provided great environmental benefits for the Earth. Hjalmar finished his transmission by saying he would welcome anyone who could lend him a spare cloning apparatus that they have lying around, because “unfortunately, GASP does not have the expertise to put together a cloning booth, or whatever people use to make clones.”

Panic is gripping the southern peninsula of South America as the bio-robo horde spreads inland from the coast destroying every piece of electronic technology they can get their hands on. “It's horrifying,” one eyewitness who lost a tablet and a digital clock said, “It's like they could smell [the electronics].” The Argentinian President has issued a warning to all citizens to put their electronics on the road in front of their house to prevent the green horde from kicking in doors and damaging their homes, and to surrender any electronics on their person when confronted by a biometric robocop, as the bio-robos are known to turn violent when they meet resistance. “Treat them like bees, bees who are trying to steal your cellphone. You leave them alone, and they'll leave you alone,” President Cristina Fernandez de Krichner said early Thursday. Once in control of an electronic device, a biometric robocop will hold the device above their head and run screaming like a banshee to the edge of the nearest body of water and pitch it in. Ovaltine Goose-Shredder has several theories as to why the bio-robos scream while in possession of electronics. “It could be an emergency siren, like 'hey get out of my way I've got bad stuff to destroy here' for other [biometric robocops], or the electronics could just be burning their hands, but that would be a glaring design flaw on what is proving to be a pretty well designed organism,” he said late Thursday, marking the first time Goose-Shredder has complimented Hjalmar.

With the number of bio-robos making landfall increasing every hour, the Argentinian military is reassuring citizens that they have a plan, and are scrambling troops to intercept the horde as quickly as possible. For citizens, the response cannot come fast enough. “There are at least thirty [biometric robocops] that I can see running around the street right now,” one eyewitness who asked not to be identified said, “I wish I could take a picture of this. I don't know how I'll remember it now.” The eyewitness then realized that he was talking to a journalist, and amended his statement, saying “I got mugged by a plant. Please don't tell anyone about this.”

Gravity Emanating from Rob Ford Scandal Shatters Everything

We're losing the field here!

How? How and why?

In this context how and why are the same question

Then how did it manage to trip you up and not answer it?

It's this Ford thing, it's making Canada's minds fold in on themselves

Like gravity fabric?

Exactly, his existence is taking our thoughts and spinning them backwards

So every thought is getting curtailed and mashed back into itself before it gets a chance to be anything?

Looks like it

Are we the same person?

I can see bits of Goose-Shredder, and bits of Betty, but I can't tell which is me

It's the same for me, this guy's thoughts must have crushed the characters together

This Rob Ford Gravity is potent stuff

At least we still have our sentience, that's a good sign

Can we stomp or jump up and down really hard? Can we get his attention? Would that help?

There's no way that would help. Let's do it

Hey!

Stop trying to figure out that clown!

Yeah! In two weeks he's just going to be a footnote in 'The Fuck-Up Handbook'

We will destroy your headspace with our feet!

Look for 'The Fuck-Up Handbook' on bookshelves Fall 2014!

[Something time-esque elapses]

I don't think it worked

How could we possibly know if it worked?

[the disembodied voices hang out on a burgundy backround for a bit]

I wish we had some cigarettes or something

I wish I could tell if I smoked or not

Yeah, now that we're mashed together, do both of us smoke, or is it still one smokes and the other doesn't like usual? Do we both kind-of smoke?

I don't know, nothing gets resolved in Rob Ford Gravity

Nothing useful happens in Rob Ford Gravity

Don't the Ford supporters remind you of someone crawling back to an abusive relationship right now?

Yeah, self respect is in short supply in that city

The story just keeps getting worse

I bet if we stop paying attention for two months, when we check back on what he's up to, Rob Ford will be biting your grandmother on the neck and taking meth as a suppository

That doesn't sound crazy enough. The pace the Rob Ford scandal is escalating at is outstanding. In two months Rob Ford will be crashing the International Space Station into a Mexican nursery school while giving Anders Breivik a high five

Holy shit, that's pretty out there

That's the trajectory of all this. It's just science

I'm glad I didn't say it

You kind of half did

If that's the trajectory of all this, we should probably stop Rob Ford

Yeah, he doesn't have anything good left for us

But it is kind of interesting, what he did to the blog

Stop it, that man is poison, this is poisoned. Hopefully things like the Toronto City Council and PAJ will be working in a way humans can tolerate next week

Well then this will be the last time I mention this guy to anyone. I'm forgetting him. Let's talk about something else, please

Okay

[awkward silence for eternity]

A Short History of Not That Long Ago: The Aftermath of Canada's Currency Crisis

Eight months ago, the Canadian dollar disappeared. Every cent in Canada was spent by people trying to win a lottery that never ended up having an outcome, making every ticket sold a loser and freezing the funds in an account that cannot be legally accessed by anyone. The lottery was run as a pool to pick the minute the Preacher Firestone would collapse and probably die, and the winners would split the prize pool without the Interprovincial Lottery Corporation taking a cut because the ILC figured the prize pool would be tiny, since Firestone's endurance would give out after a few days. As the weeks went on, more and more Canadians began pouring money into tickets, figuring that science said Firestone had to drop soon. The potential prize money was put into an account until a winner was decided, but that never happened, and Firestone still hasn't stopped his sermon. Everyone lost, with the exception of HSBC. With the money never to be claimed, the HSBC International Bank made out like a bandit who held up an entire country, and they were now free to invest all the money Canada had on the world's markets without having to worry about anyone coming to call for it. What the beginning of the crisis showed, aside from a harsh lesson in the gambler's fallacy, was that the Canadian Government wasn't willing to betray the trust put in the banking system by using the extraordinary circumstances to breach the account the winnings were stored in. Of course, by proving that they cared dearly for the stability of the banking system, the Canadian Government ended up tanking the economy that supported it, and ultimately ended up driving every bank in Canada out of the country.

While HSBC executives frolicked in the pile of money Canada willingly gave them, average citizens were faced with a very serious situation they had to quickly adapt to. Luckily one of the basic needs of human survival was already taken care of for many Canadians, as immediately before the currency crisis Canada's housing industry had been going the kind of manic that precedes a meltdown, so pretty much everyone who wanted a house had somewhere to live. With shelter taken care of, getting three squares became Canadians biggest priority in the new economy, particularly in regards to having enough food for a family to last the winter. “People had to learn what seasons are again,” local Recent-History expert Ovaltine Goose-Shredder says, “Suddenly people were losing their shit because it's November and you can't get peaches anymore, but that's what happens when your groceries are dependant on our local climate. It was amazing to realize how much local farming knowledge, how much natural, ancestral knowledge, had been spoiled by the fact that we were getting avocados shipped in for year round availability.” Despite Canadians being forced to scale back their groceries to the limits of their climate, people took to preserving with some vigour. With community leaders giving seminars on what keeps and what doesn't, experts are hopeful that a full famine will be avoided over the winter months.

In their death throes before the full on collapse, banks were screaming to find a way to collect mortgage payments. With a family in every house but without a currency, there was no way to quantify what a family could pay for their roof, and for six months after the currency crisis the banks tried every idea their executive boards could come up with. The first was to lobby the Canadian Government to replace the collapsed currency with anything official that could denote value, but the government rejected this idea, recognizing that since short term prospects were so horribly mangled that citizens were only focused on where their next meal was coming from, government economists could get away with taking the time for a measured response that would benefit the country in the long run. This was terrible news for the banks, who immediately went to the courts and tried to shoehorn some specious legal precedents into forcing the government to act, and when that failed, they tried to legally force delinquent debtors into indentured servitude, which also failed. At this point the banks would have sent collectors and assessors to jam their feet into people's doors like Jehova's, but over the months of legal battles they had been hemorrhaging employees because banks without currency produce absolutely nothing, and nothing don't pay the bills. When they finally accepted that everyone either gets by or they don't in the new economy, and there's no quantifying income beyond that, the banks did the last thing they could and tried to kick everyone in Canada out of their homes for non-payment of their mortgage. It turns out, trying to toss every homeowner out on the street is exactly what it takes to get under a country's bonnet, and there were protests. Big ones. Like too big for any earthbound institution to handle kind of big, and the government caved to the pressure from the citizens and told the banks to go fuck themselves, but before they could fuck themselves the banking system dissolved.

With many Canadians having difficulty raising themselves beyond a subsistence living, the thought of building a new house is completely out of the question for most citizens. A giddy supporter of Canada's new economic arrangement, Ovaltine Goose-Shredder is one of the few people living in a new house instead of squatting in an older one. Just trying to see if it could be done through barter, Goose-Shredder was able to get a house built because he is considered to be a wealthier citizen in the new economy. “My 8 part novel has really taken off,” Goose-Shredder explained, “It's a sexy supernatural thriller in the vein of Harry Potter and Twilight, and I combined the two with the Shopaholic series for a great twist. It's about a magic werewolf that really likes purses, and I've been trading copies for clothing, candles and foodstuffs. This freed me up to trade the bigger stuff I produce for things like bricks and lumber.” While he loves that he was able to complete the project, Goose-Shredder admitted that he had to scale back the size of his house to fit the new economy. “It's a 700 square foot house, which is a lot smaller than my last one, but there were a lot of challenges in getting this one built, and that's a lot more interesting to me than having enough space to never have to see my family.”

London Ontario Wants Rob Ford for Mayor

A group of citizens in London, Ontario calling themselves Non-Judgemental London have extended an invitation to scandalized Toronto mayor Rob Ford to be mayor of London, as current London mayor Joe Fontata will probably step down or go to prison soon. The group of citizens, who published their plea in a full page letter in the Toronto Star, say they would rather have a mayor that smoked crack and said stupid things than a mayor who stole from them and said stupid things. “It would be nice to have a mayor that only hurt himself,” the ad says. “Just claim you didn't inhale and we'll buy it, so come on over to friendly, Non-Judgemental London!”

Legal experts say that one thing friendly, Non-Judgemental London seems to be missing is that two of the people connected with the crack smoking video have been murdered since it's creation, which coupled with Ford's alleged attempt to pay a hacker $220 000 to delete the video, could potentially mean an evidence eradication attempt by Ford that had him deleting eyewitnesses to him hitting the pipe. While selling drugs is not a safe way to make money, the situation still raises speculation that Rob Ford took out contracts on human lives, a trait one does not usually want in a mayor. Another massive pitfall overlooked by Non-Judgemental London is that if you're 44 years old and still getting drunk enough to smoke crack, maybe smoking crack isn't your biggest problem. But let's go back to laughing at this again. All the murder and addiction talk is harshing the world's punchlines.

After the publishing of the open invitation for Rob Ford to run for mayor of London, local politics expert Ovaltine Goose-Shredder jumped on board with the idea, and was ecstatic about the potential for a real democratic revolution in local government. “Crack smokers are a statistically underrepresented demographic in municipal politics,” Goose-Shredder said in a press conference late Thursday, “they have different experiences than the rest of us norms, and could provide a valuable point of view on municipal issues.” Specifically, Goose-Shredder believes that with someone experienced in drug use guiding policy, London might actually have a hope of setting up Canada's second safer injection site. “It's odd that people would be against this measure, there are a lot of benefits for the community,” he said. According to scientists, benefits include a reduction in overdose deaths, addicts being around treatment literature immediately after dosing for the only minutes of clear thinking they'll get all day, and a reduction in the number of used needles found on front lawns and in parks. Local Outragee Sandra summed up people's opposition to safe injection sites, screeching “Drugs and crime go hand in hand, and I won't have it in my neighbourhood!” Ovaltine Goose-Shredder has an outrageously simply solution. “Put the safe injection site at Wellington and Horton. No one will notice a difference. Not that it would cause an increase in crime anyway, because the stats say it won't.”

On top of the progressive policy decisions a crack smoking mayor could bring about, Goose-Shredder also believes there could be fringe benefits for the city. “While other cities mayors are sleeping like mortals, a crack smoking mayor could stay up for 4 days scrubbing the gremlins out of the reservoir. Just think, our city would have the cleanest drinking water in the country, and this is just one potential fringe benefit. Who knows what else that crack addled brain could come up with. The sky is the limit people. It's time for some real radical democracy! It's time to jump on the Ford express!”

Hjalmar Accused of Loneliness, Vandalism

The Maritime provinces have seen a recent string of vandalism in coastal cities, as many public art installations created by the Firestone acolytes have been found spray-painted or otherwise disrupted after a call from GASP leader Axel Hjalmar to “Culture Jamm” the propaganda campaign that the Preacher Firestone asked his acolytes to begin weeks earlier, creating the first real confrontation in what has been a long war of words between the two groups. So far the war has mostly come in the form of chrome cubes being spray-painted with a foot smashing a tablet surrounded by green lightning bolts, but some observers fear that because the two groups have already escalated from a war of words to a war of symbols, violence can't be far off. With a following of millions, the Preacher Firestone has the human resources to mount a massive front in any battle, which makes his potential power a terrifying prospect. On the other side, experts have a happy theory that Axel Hjalmar is the sole perpetrator of the GASP Jamm Campaign, so a catastrophic confrontation wouldn't be much of a war.

Looking at the evidence in GASP's attacks, Forensic New Media expert Ovaltine Goose-Shredder says Hjalmar couldn't have the followers to pose a resistance to Firestone, so a violent confrontation is out of the question. “If you look at the order all these chromed cubes got sprayed, and a forensic analysis of the colours used, the chromed cubes are being targeted by a single person.” Goose-Shredder says. Hjalmar's last known location was Halifax, Nova Scotia, and he is known to use boats as a base of operations because the ocean is the only place Street-View can't touch. Geographically, the vandalism is consistent with one person travelling in a fairly straightforward direction from Prince Edward Island to Nova Scotia to New Brunswick by boat, and the colours can be traced from one cube to another as well. “You can see the spots where one can of paint ran out and another was opened,” Goose-Shredder explains, “On a later cube you can see where that can ran out, and another colour started. You can trace it across provinces. It's sequential, methodical, and it fits with Hjalmar's last known location.”

Other acts against the Firestone acolyte campaign also bear Hjalmar's personal touch of tediously explaining simple concepts into the ground. A theatre performance in St. John, New Brunswick that consisted of Firestone acolytes running back and forth and being really happy about being here to do that was disrupted when a flock of folding tables was placed in the public park where their performances took place, impeding the acolyte's ability to run. Spray-painted on the tables was a message that only Hjalmar could have wrote, “GASP was here and now you cannot run. Well, you can run, but you will hit a table. It is now your choice to do so or to not do so, I would recommend not doing so. Also, give up imitating electrons, because you are humans and allowing synecdoche to define you is a first step towards being supplanted. Submission before the Google is the last.”

In other news, the biometric robocops have escalated their spree of boat hijackings around South America, with several gaggles of bio-robos making landfall up and down the coast and commandeering boats to take to Antarctica. A high ranking member of the Argentinian Navy believes there to be at least 30 stolen vessels being used by the bio-robos, and that the fleet is growing exponentially. Asked why the Argentinian Navy doesn't just fire on the stolen vessels, the source admitted that the bio-robos are difficult to track because they use the sun, the moon and the stars to navigate, so they tend to flit like a moth across the ocean. The fishing industry around South America is also taking a beating, with many fishermen losing their lively-hood to hijackings, but the kick in the groin to the fishing industry has been a cause for celebration amongst Marine Biologists, who believe South America's coastal fish population could begin to recover as boats disappear from the waters. This, along with being a carbon sink and giving a 2% boost to the Earth's oxygen levels, is making the biometric robocop horde popular amongst environmentalists, who claim they have yet to see a drawback to having the horde on the planet. And if they destroy all the smart-phones, so much the better.

Oh the Grief: In Conversation with Ovaltine Goose-Shredder

When I met with PAJ's resident expert Ovaltine Goose-Shredder he was lying facedown on his and his wife's bed, wearing the same clothes he wore to last weeks press conference. The situation was set in the same place it had been three years earlier, the first time I had tried to convince him it wasn't his fault his wife was dead. This time around was dramatically easier, since three years earlier Karen had died because Goose-Shredder blew up their house trying to see how accurate Vince Gilligan's meth recipe was. Now, after a reanimation of her dead body by Goose-Shredder and her subsequent trip to Antarctica, Karen is presumed to be either lost at sea or murdered at the hands of the biometric robocop horde, but either way most certainly dead. The following is a transcript of the conversation I had with Ovaltine Goose-Shredder late Thursday.

Ovaltine Goose-Shredder: [muffled by pillow] Betty. Betty! It happened again.

James Betty: I know.

OGS: [muffled] This pillow still smells like her.

JB: She was a walking corpse, nothing gets that smell out.

OGS: I've washed it so many times.

JB: Maybe try real detergent, instead of that stuff you make in your basement.

OGS: [sitting up] Don't badmouth Sparkle-Time Handy Wash! When the dollar tanks, who's going to make your laundry soap? Because it's not going to be me!

JB: I'm sorry, buddy.

OGS: [slams face back into pillow] I make great soap.

JB: No you don't.

OGS: [muffled] Who's side are you on?

JB: Truth and justice. I'm a journalist, remember?

OGS: [uncontrollable laughter]

JB: Hey....

OGS: [still laughing]

JB: That hurts...

OGS: [still laughing]

JB: Why do people I know laugh when I act like a real journalist?

OGS: Hey... do you remember that thing you thought of that wasn't so sad?

JB: Are you changing the subject away from my career so I'm not so sad?

OGS: ... Yes.

JB: How did that whole sentence not refer to anything specific and still manage to achieve it's goal so well?

OGS: It's called friendship, buddy.

JB: Is it?

OGS: Bring it in.

JB: What?

OGS: [moves in for a hug] Lets hug it out.

JB: Don't come at me like that. Not on your bed...

OGS: [hugging James Betty] Shhhhh, don't fight me.

JB: This is so awkward.

OGS: [still hugging] It's called friendship.

JB: No it's not. Not like this.

OGS: [releases hug] I can't believe my wife's maybe dead again.

JB: It's probably about time you started dropping the maybe from that sentence.

OGS: [slams face into pillow] Noooo!

JB: You need to accept that she's really gone this time, and you can't hang your hopes on re-animation again because she will never be found. I'm sorry. She won't.

OGS: [muffled] She can't be gone again! I let her go to Antarctica and if she's dead again it's all my fault again!

JB: What were you supposed to do, chain her to the dock? You know Karen, if she wanted to go to Antarctica she was going to go to Antarctica. You can't let this one be your fault. Let it be her decision.

OGS: [muffled] Hey Betty, don't take this the wrong way, but how about you fuck off for a while?

JB: That's not very nice, in fact it makes me prefer the awkward hug right now.

OGS: [sitting up, yelling] So fuck off or I'll find another awkward hug for you!

JB: [confused silence]

OGS: [enjoying the silence]

JB: At least you didn't blow her up this time.

OGS: Yeah, I actually feel way better about this one. Small miracles, right?

JB: Not many people know what it's like to accidentally kill their wife for the second time, you should probably write a paper about this.

OGS: [jumping out of bed] I must tell the masses! Find me a pen, I'm going to eat some soup.

JB: I think you just ripped off Hemingway.

So Goose-Shredder is up and about, and that's a good sign. His friends still can't convince him to hold a funeral for Karen, but feel that the baby-steps he's taken in the last few days are encouraging enough.

[Ed. Note: Hemingway did not say “Find me a pen, I'm going to eat some soup.”]

Biometric Robocops Make Landfall in South America

A troupe of Biometric robocops are believed to have made landfall briefly on the southern tip of South America early Thursday, sparking speculation that the technology smashing organisms have found a way off of Antarctica. According to eyewitness testimony, around 6am local time a small sailboat matching the description of the boat Karen sailed to Antarctica made landfall in the fishing village of Ushuaia and several entirely green humanoid organisms lethargically sprinted to other vessels on the dock for the purposes of commandeering them. Local authorities believe that as many as five fishing vessels were taken, as well as several larger pleasure-craft. The alleged biometric robocop boat stealing endeavour took place in under a minute, with the organisms visible on land for only seconds before jumping aboard the nearby boats, making it difficult to tell if it really was a handful of biometric robocops making landfall, or if it was just a gaggle of human boat thieves who painted themselves green to avoid identification.

The eyewitness to the daring early morning hijackings, a fisherman who's eyes are almost completely crusted shut by salt water, says the humanoid organisms moved very stiffly and lethargically, were entirely green from head to toe and looked like they were wearing helmets made of broccoli. Resident Botany Expert Ovaltine Goose-Shredder is certain that the hijackings were the first contact with the biometric robocops. “I mean, no one wears broccoli hats. Any organism would take off something that looked that dumb, so the broccoli hats have to be attached to them. That's how you science out a fact,” he said at a press conference late Thursday. “So the bastards stole Karen's boat, like a jerk would, and used it to get more boats so they can stage a proper invasion of South America. They're putting a fleet together and coming after our smartphones. Called it. Prediction. That's my prediction. Write it down.” Goose-Shredder then yelled, “HEY! You're not WRITING IT DOWN.” and smacked a notepad out of a nearby journalist's hand. Experts are attributing Goose-Shredder's belligerence to the bender he's been on since being confronted with the very realistic theory of his wife's demise last week.

Axel Hjalmar, leader of the resistance group GASP, is also certain that it was the biometric robocops that perpetrated the boat heist in Ushuaia, and was overjoyed that his creations had found a way off Antarctica. “This is a great day for humanity. Finally, the beginning of the end of the reign of Google is dawning, just like how the sun comes up at dawn to signal the start of a new day, every day, but this new day is different than every other new day because when this new day is over, it will mean that Google has been vanquished and GASP has fulfilled it's creed, which may take more than several sunrises and sunsets in actual time, because the horde has to get across the South Atlantic and up the Argentinian peninsula, so when the sun sets tonight Google will not be vanquished but...” The rest of Hjalmar's transmission won't be printed, because in a way it already has, as Hjalmar spent the last ten minutes trying to explain the metaphor he said in the first ten seconds.

In cities across the continent people have been putting up public art projects to show support for Google at the behest of the Preacher Firestone, who called for an arts campaign to promote “submission before the Google” last Thursday. Many acolytes have opted to simply put 20 foot tall blocks of chromed metal in city centres, while others have staged some terrible and heartwarming theatre pieces by playing characters just being really happy to be an electron zipping through the human cosmos. Others are missing the point pretty hard. Rather than taking to heart Firestone's request for a mysterious and compelling art project to horizontally influence people, Local Outragee Sandra has taken to screeching Anti-Hjalmar slogans through a bullhorn right at people who could hear her fine if she was just talking. “Look at the mess Hjalmar made on Antarctica! International war-strikes should be made against him! String a noose in front of the Hague!” Sandra said on a street-corner late Thursday. Hjalmar has called on GASP to start a culture jamming campaign against the Firestone acolyte's public art projects, but so far there hasn't been many takers, causing experts to wonder exactly how dedicated members GASP really are.

Karen's Boat Presumed Lost off Coast of Antarctica

The boat that Karen sailed to Antarctica is feared to have sunk off the coast of the frozen continent, as it is no longer beaming it's GPS coordinates to PAJ's resident cartography expert and Karen-husband Ovaltine Goose-Shredder. “Karen probably isn't dead... again,” Goose-Shredder said at a press conference early Thursday, shoving his optimistic face into the reality that it's more likely she is dead again. “She's probably just stranded on Antarctica with a horde of destructive biometric robocops. In fact, they probably just destroyed the GPS transmitter because it's electronic and that's what they do. The boat and Karen are probably fine, right? Right?” Despite his theories that Karen is fine, Goose-Shredder is most definitely worried about her fate, as one doesn't usually call a press conference to ask desperate sounding questions to the assembled journalists.

Agreeing that Goose-Shredder used the word 'probably' far too many times in his opening statement for any of it to be accurate, the assembled journalists began peppering the mad scientist with questions as to how quickly his wife 'probably' died on the wasteland continent. With a liberal use of air quotes to put some metaphorical distance between the question and insinuating Karen was dead, Goose-Shredder was asked if Karen “falling into the ocean and succumbing to exposure” would be more or less horrific given that much of Karen's body is not standard human body parts, but rather is mostly fixtures designed to mimic bodily processes. Goose-Shredder answered the question with an anguished cry and a few tears, but stuck to the mic like a true professional. Asked if the electronics implanted in Karen's body to bring her back from the dead would lead to the biometric robocops killing her in a quick and painless manner, or if the placement of the electronics would mean a more graphic and prolonged 'Black Knight' style death, Goose-Shredder was accidentally given hope. “No, actually she is.. she's all analog.” he said. Goose-Shredder explained that he used machined parts and analog processes to give the procedure a better chance of working. “I didn't want [Karen] dieing because of a software glitch, and I wanted to know that the parts I reanimated her with were of the highest possible quality, so I made them all myself and got them to function like simple machines.” The realization snapped Goose-Shredder out of his grief and gave him the presence of mind to end the torturous press conference. Saying he was leaving because the assembled journalists were “a bunch of dicks for being assholes,” Goose-Shredder exited the room and pulled the fire alarm, setting off the building's sprinkler system and ruining thousands of dollars in camera and recording equipment.

Across London, in the alley behind Jack's, the Preacher Firestone is into his 18th month of rattling off a hellfire sermon in support of “joining the All that is Google.” Experts estimate that the followers of Firestone now number in the millions and are growing with each passing day, as it is another day that the Preacher Firestone does not eat, does not sleep and talks without losing his voice, making claims of his divinity harder and harder to argue against. “[Firestone's] not normal, I have to admit that,” Ovaltine Goose-Shredder said late Thursday after calming down over a few drinks at Poachers. Goose-Shredder, Firestone's most vocal critic, conceded that there may be something significant about Firestone, but that it has nothing to do with divinity. “He's so beyond normal, I wouldn't be surprised to hear that he has some enhancements that mimic bodily functions like Karen does. I've had notebooks go missing before. Those ideas could be out there.” Stopped for comment outside the Covant Garden Market, Citizen Danny pondered Firestone's divinity as well. “I wonder if he's like... I wonder if it's going to turn out that he's just been a manifestation of a shared concept all along. Something like... if he's not human, then maybe he's an idea that we're all hallucinating.” Asked whether he considers himself a follower of Firestone, Danny was adamant that he was not, but agreed that Firestone has some ideas that are worth hearing. “If you separate the Google nonsense from the things he says, he is hitting on a few good ideas. I didn't realize it at the time but that Zen stuff he said at New Years really helped me with a friend's death. That's when I started giving [Firestone] a little more credit.”

Firestone has been repeating a single sentence several times a day for the last week, asking his acolytes to start making public art projects that promote “submission before the Google.” Given that straight talk on political and social matters rarely gets anything done, the idea Firestone is promoting is to influence horizontally by creating something compelling and mysterious that contains the ideas he feels should be disseminated, in hopes that they worm their way into people's consciousness like a catchy fucking song. So far, no Google-centric public arts project have been created by Firestone's acolytes, but given their sheer numbers and the trust they put into his words, experts are certain that the acolytes will soon flood the public domain with their message.

US Economic Armageddon Looms; Experts say 'Go for it'

The US Government told 800,000 federal employees to stop showing up for work and to not expect a paycheque for a while due to the Republican controlled House of Representatives blocking an increase in the US debt ceiling. The Republicans voted against raising the debt ceiling in an attempt to pressure the Democrats into repealing Obamacare, which is known as cheap health insurance in the rest of the world. Despite the Democrat's assurances that the Affordable Care Act will not be scrapped, the power move by the Republicans has cast doubt over whether America will get to join the ranks of countries like Mongolia, who don't deny their citizens health care. The 48 million uninsured citizens across the country are anxious for a solution to this three day stalemate, with many wondering why the Republicans couldn't just step on a puppy instead of going after health care, especially now that America has backed itself into a corner made of IOU's.

By shuttering the non-essential services of the Federal Government, experts believe that not raising the debt ceiling could cost the US billions in lost economic activity and, if not resolved by October 17, could potentially cause America to default on it's debts, provoking a catastrophic financial crisis across the globe. While a global financial disaster on a magnitude the Earth has never seen would be terrible for humanity, resident economic expert Ovaltine Goose-Shredder says that Canada would be unaffected thanks to our currency being destroyed by a poorly planned sweepstakes six months ago. “Our economy is bombproof now, because it's already failed!” he said in a press conference early Thursday.

Goose-Shredder says that Americans could take a lesson from their Northern neighbours in dealing with economic hardship, as Canadians have adapted well to their labour becoming the benchmark of value, instead of money. “Canadians are getting what they need, and if they can't get it, they probably don't need it. They have less, way less, but because every trade is an even barter, they don't come out of the transaction owing anyone, and there's something to be said for that.” American policy experts have been studying Canada's response to the economic meltdown, and are now jealous of Canada's licence to re-organize their economy in any manner they want. “[America has] been raising the debt ceiling instead of dealing with their problem for so long that having a happy accident tank the economy looks like a blessing.” says Goose-Shredder. Because of this, Goose-Shredder says the United States defaulting on their debts could be a good thing, “It would force [the US] to deal with [their debt problem]. As hard as that would be in the short term, it would be better for them in the long run.”

Several weeks ago a parliamentary committee was put together by Prime Minister Harper to look at all possible plans for Canada's new economy, as feudal agrarianism doesn't help Canada compete internationally in the slightest. The committee is expected to report on their decision in early December. Ovaltine Goose-Shredder is optimistic about having a new plan for economic organization, horrifying as it will be, saying, “The fact of the matter is, we made all this up, and we can make up something else. The transition won't be pretty, in fact it will be horrific, but it can be done, and it should be done. By both Canada and America.”

Stopped for comment outside the Covent Garden Market early Thursday, Citizen Danny expressed an opinion that is growing amongst young Canadians, who are starting to bristle at the idea of taking on debt. “All I hear out of my parents and relatives is how to get the things they have, and that debt is a necessary part of life. Look at the US debt crisis right now, and watch how fucked Canadian families will be when the interest rates go up. I don't think they understand what kind of terrible idea debt looks like right now. It's like they're trying to talk me into voluntarily fucking myself.”

Quebec Fires All Public Sector Employees to Avoid Offending Anyone

The Government of Quebec has fired every person working in the public sector instead of going ahead with their proposed Charter of Values. The Charter of Values, a bill designed to keep the public from being offended by any individual who works for the province, has been scrapped by Quebec Premier Pauline Marois in favour of just enforcing the spirit of the Charter by doing away with government employees altogether. “[By firing everyone] we could avoid the problems that arise with employing individuals, like the offensive things they occasionally say or the totally normal ideas they always hold. Anything that could possibly be considered offensive, it's all been smoothed out now.” This means that in Quebec, as of early Thursday, there are no teachers, no judges, no paramedics, no doctors, no firefighters, no garbage-men, no one to cut the grass in the parks and no one to make sure the water stays on. “Now that the police have all been fired, the provincial detachment is staffed entirely by German Shepherds,” reports PAJ's Resident Municipal Disaster Expert Ovaltine Goose-Shredder. “Now when people steal things, they just pretend to throw it and the law is rendered helpless. A crime wave of unimaginable proportions is streaking across the province as we speak.”

Premier Marois explained how the provincial government arrived at the decision to let everyone go. “The Charter of Values was and is a policy that needs to exist in Quebec, but drawn up in law it presented a slippery slope. If you're going to ban people from wearing symbols that represent ideas they value, you might as well be fair about it and ban the Fleur de Lis too. And pictures of Martin Luther King. And the Canadian flag. In fact, ban every flag. Abolish all symbols. No more countries, no more borders. No more language. No more anything that means anything. Everybody shut up. Everybody go home. At this point, the human experiment is over, and Quebec has ruined it for all of us. Firing all public sector employees was the better option. It allowed us to achieve our goal of provincial employees not being capable of offending anyone, and it didn't make language implode. Win win.”

Not everyone is on board with the gutting of public services and the Charter of Values that inspired it. Ovaltine Goose-Shredder says the idea of Separation of Church and State would be inappropriately applied under the Charter. “Citizens who work for the government are allowed to have their faith. Separation of Church and State just means don't copy laws word for word out of the bible.” Goose-Shredder believes that religious symbols can be worn by government employees without provoking anything nearly as drastic as making the world meaningless or offending people. “[The alternative to utter abolition of religious symbols] would be something like just letting someone wear a necklace or a scarf on their head while they process your licence plate renewal. That's what a non-insane solution to this problem looks like.” Goose-Shredder says he understands Quebecers not wanting their culture to be swallowed by anglophiles or encroached on by foreigners, but reminds them that forcible enforcement of culture shows a lack of respect for an individual's decision, which could push people away. “I know what it feels like to an extent, having watched Canadian culture struggle against Americanization, and how you can feel completely justified in official policy discriminating against other groups simply because they're 'others'. I mean, look, I get it, you're insecure about losing your culture, but just be cool Quebec. Just chill out, and maybe more people will be cool with having you around. Desperation isn't a good look on anyone, is what I'm saying. Just assume you can get by on merit and go with it.” Goose-Shredder then had a rare moment of self-awareness. “Did I just Dr. Phil a province? I feel like Dr. Phil.”

Stopped for comment outside the Covent Garden Market late Thursday, Citizen Danny detailed how his most recent interaction with a Government employee caused him to convert to Judaism, saying “I walked into the MTO, looked at the desk clerk's Star of David pin, and I'm a Jew now. I don't know how it happened. I totally thought I had my own ideas and beliefs that I'd figured through this exercise of trial and error called life, and I held those dear, but one glance at someone's necklace threw me off the chutzpah.” After some probing questions Danny admitted he was joking. “Ha! Yeah right! Saiiiyyyke! Seriously, people having different beliefs than I do doesn't bug me in the slightest. I don't know how it bothers anyone. At all. The person who collected your garbage was wearing a cross pendant? So the fuck what?”

NSA Assures World: Their Greatest Fear is Non-Internet Users

This week PAJ sat down with an agent of the NSA at a diner on a vacant corner of Lambton county. PAJ can't say which diner, because we don't want to ruin another great breakfast place by making it impossible to get a table. Going by the pseudonym Caligula Goonsquad, the agent wasn't another whistleblower, but rather was looking to enlist the help of a public he already knew too much about. “We know what most of you are after, what most of you want, it's to just go about your day, provide for your kids, your family, a roof and three squares, and deal with the least amount of bullshit possible. We get that, and we want to help.” The shadowy man in the booth who asked that we call him Caligula Goonsquad then outlined what the NSA would do to help the average citizen. “We'll interfere as little as possible, and we'll let you go about your day, as long as part of your day involves spying on the elderly for us.”

Now that the NSA has tabs on all internet users, the non-internet users have piqued their interest. “We don't know what the 'people without computers' demographic is up to. It makes us nervous, not knowing what they're up to.” The NSA agent confided that the agency is utterly convinced that our Grandparents are harbouring secrets. “They're up to something. They have to be. We know Mennonites are spending all their time raising barns, satellite imagery shows a new one every week, but the elderly are indoors, a lot, and they're doing something in there. We don't know what.” Caligula Goonsquad could not stop throwing glances at the diner's door. “Look, the NSA wants you to get into your Grandparents house, and just hang out. Then send an e-mail, tell your relatives about what Grandma's up to, more importantly, what kind of ideas your Grandma is talking about. We'll intercept your e-mails for the information about your Grandma, and we'll use the information to keep you safe, and you can feel good about being a good citizen. That's the trade.”

“What we need to know, is how they are communicating.” Caligula Goonsquad then passed a picture of a needlepoint of morning glory vines in front of a traditional red brick wall across the table. “Look at this. Is this code? Is this Berlin? If you turn the picture sideways and squint the ivy starts to look like an anarchy symbol. That's not insignificant.” He leaned back. “Just what the fuck is Muriel getting up to?” Caligula, referring to James Betty Grandmother of 27 years Muriel Betty, was evasive when asked if the NSA is responsible for dangling a car-sized microphone antenna array over Muriel's house. The same type of antenna array has been implicated in the deaths of at least four senior citizens. It is suspected that the antenna arrays are creating enough energy to cook a a person in their home. The NSA has explained on several occasions that that the elderly being cooked in their houses is none of our damn business.

Asked if he could please get the potentially deadly antenna array off my Grandmother's roof, Caligula didn't paint a favourable situation. “Alright, first, it's not our antenna, so technically, I don't even know what you're talking about. Second, it might go away if you give us the information we want, and third, if you try and destroy the antenna you will be destroying US Government property, and you will go to jail for treason because you helped terrorism.”

Distressed over what the NSA could possibly be seeing in Muriel's needlepoint, PAJ's resident cryptography expert Ovaltine Goose-Shredder had a look at it. “If you use binary to decode it, it's complete gibberish. I see why they were looking for patterns in the ivy. They've got nothing, and when they want something, they make it up. Human brains are designed to look for patterns. We're so good at it we can make them out of anything.” Goose-Shredder concluded by showing his forearms. “Hey America, nothing in my hands and nothing up my sleeves, okay?”

Muriel was thankfully alive as of late Thursday, and was completely nonchalant about the microphone antenna array that was dangling over her house. “That's just one of the government's radar dishes, we used to see them everywhere back during the war. It's nothing to worry about, dearie.” Ovaltine Goose-Shredder, who scaled Muriel's roof to analyze the antenna array, confirmed that Muriel probably has nothing to worry about. “These things have a lot of electricity running through them, apparently it takes a lot of juice to hear through a roof.” He concluded that in the event of a power surge, the antenna array could potentially cook a senior citizen, “but that seems rare, like lightning strike rare, so odds are it won't happen.”

Muriel concluded the interview by wondering if the dish was part of a government assisted cable for the elderly initiative. “Will I get HGTV again?” she asked, “They have such nice living rooms on that channel.” PAJ promises, as soon as the blog gets a book deal, Grandma gets cable.

PAJ Season 4 - You Can't Make This Shit Up If It's Already Happening: A Thank You Note to the NSA

What the hell, Obama? has been the common refrain amongst almost everyone in the last weeks of summer, as the usually slow news month of August was assaulted by revelations that the NSA has been up to all the shit we thought they were. The NSA, an intelligence agency created to get past the bureaucratic safeguards built into the FBI and CIA that try and keep them from violating the American Constitution, has been using every loophole in the thousand page PATRIOT Act to spy on pretty much every internet user, confirming suspicions that while politicians may take a summer break, Government definitely doesn't.

In other terrifying summer news, the biometric robocops, a result of DNA codes created by the resistance group GASP infiltrating the Antarctic cloning base of Google, have continued to amass in numbers to the point of almost covering the frozen continent with a solid layer of green organisms hellbent on destroying technology. Thankfully for humanity and our smartphones, the biometric robocops seem hesitant to enter the Antarctic ocean. Experts speculate that their plant-like reliance on photosynthesis for energy would mimic the properties of the algae many species of plankton feed on, causing the biometric robocops to be devoured by tiny shrimp upon entering the ocean. Even though it would be a boon for whales, many environmental groups are campaigning against an international plan to push the green horde into the ocean, as the horde has become such a large carbon sink that the oxygen content of the Earth's atmosphere has risen by 2%, giving every human being a feeling of increased energy and making humanity more productive overall.

After setting sail for Antarctica in early May, Karen, the first human ever to be reanimated after death, has not made contact with PAJ in over a month. She is considered to have dropped her satellite phone in the ocean, as the GPS co-ordinates of Karen's boat are still actively being beamed to to her husband's laptop, and her last transmission to PAJ was “Oops, [splash]”. Karen is currently nearing the Antarctic peninsula, and will make landfall within days. The world's first undead human is expected to report back on the conditions of the biometric robocop horde whenever she can get to the closest phone, which experts agree is in Ushuaia, Argentina. There also exists a possibility that Karen will be destroyed upon making landfall, as no one knows how the technology smashing organisms will react to the technology used to mimic Karen's bodily functions like blood pumping and phone gripping. The International community will wait for Karen's report or demise before making a decision as to what will be done about the horde, as eyes on the continent are considered invaluable, and Karen being killed would also constitute proof of a threat.

Karen's husband, PAJ's Resident Expert Ovaltine Goose-Shredder, spent his summer vacation at home building a moonshine still and showed up drunk as a poet for the first press conference of the fall season. Goose-Shredder took the opportunity to recite a poem he had written for Karen during her absence. “How can I compare thee to a carnival ride? Way the first, your affect is dizzying! Way the second, your essence wafts of high-fructose corn syrup! Way the third, your Dad has one arm, and I saw a ferris wheel attendant once and he had one arm.” At this point Goose-Shredder's poem devolved into a word for word rendition of Total Eclipse of the Heart by Bonnie Tyler. Unfortunately PAJ doesn't have the budget for the print royalties, which is tragic because it was the only redeeming part of Goose-Shredder's press conference. He really went for it, just nailing those high notes.

Axel Hjalmar returned to the news cycle with decidedly more prepared statements, which experts attribute to his not stumbling back from summer vacation with jars of white lightning. Hjalmar wasted no time and addressed the NSA spying revelations via satellite uplink from a secure location. The leader of Google is Actually Slaughtering People [GASP] was shocked to discover that Google revealed itself to be the malicious entity it is over his summer holiday. He then took ten minutes to explain that it was the timing of the revelation that shocked him, not the maliciousness of Google.“While I was always certain that it would eventually be the case that Google was spying on us, I thought it would be five years down the road, when smartphones performed functions like displaying Government Issued ID and performing banking transactions. Essentially when they replaced the wallet, that's when Google would turn into a malicious corporation.”

Hjalmar believes the revelation of Google's malfeasance will profoundly effect humanity. “GASP's recruitment levels will swell, [Google's collusion with the the NSA] is not a thing that could just fade from the public consciousness, one is reminded every time one looks at their phone that they are being recorded, documented and betrayed by the corporate entities that they have entered into a trust with. There is no chance of this fading from the public consciousness.” Hjalmar stressed the importance for GASP to get the biometric robocops off Antarctica and onto the mainland, where the cloned army can “fulfill their destinies as technology smashing banshees.” Polls conducted by PAJ have found little support amongst North Americans for letting an aggressively destructive scientific abomination run rampant through their homes and neighbourhoods.

It was at this point that Hjalmar's metaphor for his aspirations for GASP really got away from him, and showed how he could take ten minutes to explain a simple sentence. “Now is the point of the ramp up. The resistance to Google must ascend. We must be like a skateboarder going up a ramp, but his height will be our resistance, and when he gets to the top of his ramp, he will keep going up, instead of going down. Keeping going up and up, and when he gets to space the skateboarder doesn't die. He doesn't die, but rather wins.” Realizing that his previous sentence had laid waste to both grammar and logic, Hjalmar tried to close with a concise point. “GASP must be like Tony Hawk jumping to space.”

Stopped for comment outside the Coveant Garden Market Thursday, Citizen Danny was incensed at the latest news of the NSA having a hand in designing loopholes in security software to give themselves access to people's supposedly private bank and medical records. “Damnit America, stop validating my paranoia!” he yelled. “Do you know how many years I've spent trying to deprogram all the conspiracy theories in my head? And now they're all just fucking true? Do you realize what kind of step backwards this is for my sanity? For everyone's sanity?” At this point Danny's rage devolved his words into an incomprehensible sputtering, and his mouth floundered around for a few seconds before screaming the only syllables he could put together coherently. “FUCK YOU!”

The Season's Finale: Karen to Investigate GASP's Biometric Robocops Rapidly Filling Antarctica

Armies across the globe have moved to a state of high alert after reports that the number of Biometric Robocops amassing on Antarctica is well into the millions. Biologists, using new aerial surveillance photos to estimate the size of the horde, have determined that there is a line of green clones steadily streaming from the destroyed Google base which was infiltrated weeks ago by the resistance group GASP. “I'm amazed,” expert on Proto-Human Studies Ovaltine Goose-Shredder said Thursday, “Their rate of multiplication is just unheard of. I don't know what kind of cloning technology Google put together, but it's a high powered contraption.” The discovery has led citizens and international leaders to demand that Google take responsibility for the biometric robocop horde, as the growing problem on the frozen continent is now too much for a single state to take on. Google has responded by completely washing their hands of the matter, with reports surfacing that their executives have fled to private islands in international waters with their mountains of riches. According to Google representatives, “Google never intended to deal with any unforeseen consequences of the dissemination of our technology. Also, Antarctica can't charge us with anything because it doesn't have laws, so good fucking luck sticking us with anything.” Their statements have led many to believe that you don't become one of the biggest corporations ever and then let anything stick you in a corner.

Many have suggested a wait and see approach to dealing with the biometric robocop horde by letting Antarctica take care of the problem for the rest of the planet, as the harsh climate and lack of vegetation would deprive the horde of nutrients, something absolutely necessary for living organisms. After two weeks passed without any noticeable decline in numbers, this bit of global well-wishing was quashed by currently at-large resistance leader Axel Hjalmar, who confirmed that the biometric robocops do not ingest their nutrients, but sustain existence through photosynthesis. GASP estimates that due to the Antarctic conditions, the biometric robocops could be operating at 45% of their capacity for destruction, increasing to 100% capacity with proximity to the equator. Despite the terrifying prospects, Hjalmar is still trying to convince the world to allow the horde to exist and fulfil their programming by destroying all technology, but has been argued down to the secondary benefits of such a plan, saying “[The biometric robocops] could become a greater carbon sink than the Amazon if you let them.” Despite possibly solving global warming, experts still believe this to be a terrible idea, as allowing something to become a carbon sink on par with the Amazon will only give humans licence to destroy the Amazon.

During the fuzzy satellite feed, a revelation was brought about that many experts have been worrying over for weeks, that GASP isn't really sure about what they have created and that the numbers they have thrown out about the biometric robocop's destructive capacities are guesses at best. “They may be more powerful than we designed.” Hjalmar admitted, “The DNA structure we uploaded to Google's database was never tested, as we didn't have the technology to bring them about. The process of turning the code into a living organism could make it vastly underpowered or overpowered, but we must admit, we aimed for overpowered.”

Due to the dangers of walking into a horde of possibly murderous biometric robocops, only one human has decided to travel to Antarctica to see firsthand what humanity is dealing with. “I've realized how I can help. I'm going to do what no other human has been willing to do, to leave my smart-phone behind and travel to Antarctica.” Karen made the announcement in a press conference Thursday that she “will see firsthand what the biometric robocops are up to, and what they are capable of, and if I can disable the cloning device that is allowing them to replicate themselves.” Even though she is the only person willing to confront the biometric robocops, the response to Karen's heroism has been a discriminatory “good riddance” from the rest of the world due to her status as the first undead human. Karen is convinced that the biometric robocops will either see her as a kindred spirit or be terrified of her like everyone else is, and thus not immediately destroy her. Karen's husband, Ovaltine Goose-Shredder, disagrees. “Is Karen technology? She's advanced, she's had one more death than anyone else has, and she's got lots of little dits and do-dad's inside her to mimic bodily processes. I don't think they will take kindly to her, and I'm really worried about this.” Despite his objections, Goose-Shredder is currently the only person supporting Karen's endeavour. “She's found the first place where she fits and it completely makes sense to her why she's back now. She flat out needs to do this, so I helped her outfit a sailboat for her journey. The only thing left to say is Godspeed.”

Canada Slow to Replace Collapsed Dollar with Anything

In the weeks since the complete destruction of the Canadian dollar, the Canadian government has been slow to implement a new currency, meaning they haven't implemented a new currency, leaving many citizens irate over being left in the dark as to how to assign value to anything. “What does a can of coke cost now? Trick question! You can't buy one!” Local Outragee Sandra screeched early Thursday. Way too early Thursday, as she could be heard screaming in the street from the basement of Muriel Betty's home, venting her frustration at the utter insanity and disruptive behaviour Canadians have been coping with because of the uncertain economic relations. Without a currency as a yardstick of value, citizens have been forced to make up a value for everything they have and anything they want. They then negotiate those two numbers against two numbers another Canadian has made up for themself, turning any exchange of goods and services into a tedious battle of wills. Meanwhile, the government response has been to shut down non-essential services so that all resources can be diverted to security, health and water services in an effort to keep police, firefighters and hospitals going - as well as the taps flowing.

Despite the current economic landscape being the bleakest it's been since people started writing things down, economic expert Ovaltine Goose-Shredder is optimistic about Canada's chances of recovery. “The whole basis of our economy has been destroyed, so we literally have nowhere left to go but up.” Because things could only get better from here, Goose-Shredder believes that even slightly damaging events would be regarded as a step up from utter obliteration. “Hindsight being 20/20, burying our money in lottery tickets was not a smart move, but even with foresight being 3/10, I think this has the potential to turn out pretty well for us. Later on, that is, things are terrible now.”

With the measuring stick of value being swept out from under their feet and the government being slow to provide leadership, Canadians have taken to using their skills to create things for barter as a means of acquiring goods, meaning labour has become the measuring stick of a now enormously scaled back economy. “Things have gone local, like how much wheat is a table worth local.” Goose-Shredder explained. “I literally mean my neighbour, a farmer, made me build him a table in exchange for 20 pounds of wheat and 12 bushels of apples, to be delivered when in season, of course.” Despite not having any experience as a carpenter, Goose-Shredder assures that he “scienced the shit out of that table.” Experts believe the table turned out okay.

Citizen Danny, speaking outside the Coveant Garden Market late Thursday, said he traded a gallon of gasoline for a case of Kraft Dinner to a friend who was leaving the city to set up a plot of land in a rural area. “He wanted to be somewhere with enough space to grow some food. The balcony of his apartment just wasn't cutting it.” The hardest part of the new economy, according to Danny, is having things people might need enough to trade for food. “Everything is about food now. Mostly everything in my apartment has been traded for food at this point, so you either start growing food, or if you haven't traded away your sewing machine, you start making clothes.” Adding, “Want this shirt? It almost looks like a shirt.”

Danny's friend is part of a growing trend of Canadians leaving cities for rural areas. A mass exodus from cities was expected by analysts, as people looking to be self-sufficient generally want more elbow room. Many farmers have started letting migrants from the cities grow food on small plots of their land, as having people to work the land has become much cheaper than running diesel through a tractor. The migrant city dwellers get to keep a portion of the food they produce, and the rest goes to the farmer for sale, leading many to say that Canada has essentially reverted back to a feudal agrarian society.

Despite the hardship associated with not having a currency, Canadians have vehemently decried any discussion of adopting the American dollar, even though it would be an incredibly easy solution to the crisis. “Why not adopt the American dollar?” Danny said. “Because we're Canada, damnit.”

Google Breaks Silence on Secret Antarctic Base

The pan-global corporation Google has expressed displeasure at the private use of military grade surveillance drones in a statement released early Thursday, after aerial surveillance of Google's secret antarctic base by the resistance group GASP revealed what is essentially a warzone on the frozen continent. Images captured by aerial drones are showing a mass of thousands of green humanoid beings on an Antarctic peninsula jutting out in the direction of South America, with a clearly drawn line leading back to the now destroyed secret Google base where the cloning arm of their market research department was located. International Business expert Ovaltine Goose-Shredder says it makes perfect sense for Google to object to the privatization of surveillance drones. “You wouldn't want anyone cutting in on Street View's territory, right? And maybe now [Google] will realize it's a little weird to record every inch of the public domain.”

Vowing to ignore Google's calls to cease using private surveillance drones, resistance leader Axel Hjalmar also claimed responsibility for the destruction of Google's secret Antarctic base and the humanesque army amassing on the edge of the continent. Speaking via satellite uplink early Thursday, Hjalmar said that “Over one year ago, GASP infiltrated Google's DNA database by uploading code for creating heavily armed and heavily armoured biometric cyborgs with aggressively luddistic tendencies through Google's blood sugar testing app. It was our goal to have Google create the means of their own destruction through their cloning facility, and GASP has succeeded.”

Having given his explanation of what GASP had done, Hjalmar was then notified that barely anyone had a clue what he was talking about. He attempted to elaborate, saying “Luddistic means a sadistic luddite. It is apt, as the biometric cyborgs gain immense pleasure from smashing technology. It is a word unique to the GASP vernacular, but given our commitment to free and democratic principles, feel free to use it whenever you like.” Hjalmar then revealed that destroying all technology was the ultimate goal of GASP, a goal so obvious experts wondered why they ever tried to hide their aims in the first place. In their view, the destruction of technology must be complete because “Google reaches every technological platform in the world, and thus every technological platform must cease to operate. This is the programmed aim of the biometric cyborgs, to destroy all computer technology on Earth.” When asked if he thought it was ironic to announce the total destruction of technology through technology, Hjalmar concurred. “For the time being computer technology is an effective means of communication. Soon it will not be, and a new means of human relations will exist, one not facilitated or thrust upon by myopic corporate entities.” Despite agreeing that it was hypocritical to be using technology to further his goals, Hjalmar claimed it was not ironic, because as he put it, “irony exists only on rainy wedding days. On this basis, I believe it is a regional concept that is not currently in effect on the east coast.”

Soon after GASP's satellite uplink fizzled out, Google released another statement, and the head of Google Media Relations was made available for a press conference for the first time in over a year. He began by stating that the destruction of the antarctic base is not a setback for Google, as the Cloning for Marketing Research Trial was already an utter failure in almost every sense it could have been. “It was a public relations disaster, and it did not gain Google one iota of data concerning consumers.” he said. When asked if any lessons have been gleaned from the experiment, with those in attendance hoping that some sort of 'don't play god' moral had been learned by the enormous corporation, the Google media representative took to the sunny side of the street. “It did give us some really interesting insight into how humanity behaves in a state of nature, in a grocery store.” The Google representative explained that cloned subjects had the DNA of a human, but that does not necessarily make them behave like a human, and especially not like the human they are modelled after, as the ways we behave and the products we choose are all learned from the world, and therefore not encoded in DNA. “[The DNA thing] immediately imploded our initial hypothesis of finding out what colour pizza box specific people prefer. After that, the experiment became an exercise in how quickly feral humans could destroy a grocery store, and that was a fascinating enough premise for us to continue our cloning endeavours.”

Based on the findings of their experiments, Google has determined several interesting facts about humanity's base tendencies, as displayed by feral humans in a grocery store. “Well, the fresh fruits and vegetables were devoured first, the meats not quite as fast, probably because they didn't figure out how to cook it. Apparently it takes a sample size larger than two thousand to have someone capable of discovering the usefulness of fire. Uhhh, cereal boxes are the preferred nesting material, and many cereals are not even regarded as food, particularly ones that are brightly coloured.” This was bad news for Fruit Loops.

Resident expert on Proto-Human Studies Ovaltine Goose-Shredder was ecstatic about the existence of the biometric cyborgs. “That's amazing! Bravo to GASP for pulling off something I've only been thinking about for years! Biometric robocops, right? Pretty much?” Goose-Shredder was not without some backhanded praise for Google as well. “Congrats to Google for running the 'baby raised in a box' experiment that has been outlawed everywhere with a conscience. Really, just pushing beyond all accepted lines of morality and fucking people up for the hell of it. That's some grade A science right there.” Asked for a theory as to why the biometric robocops are amassing on the Antarctic peninsula closest to South America, Goose-Shredder terrified everyone. “Isn't it obvious? They're coming to get us!”